Spirit On The Margins

city-house-mentor-on-the-margins-description-6-08

A few weeks ago, my friend Janet Hagberg invited me to a gathering called Real Power Network. It is a group of people that commit to living and working out of higher stages of power as described in her book Real Power.  I could feel God nudging me to go.  It gave me an opportunity to talk through our new program The Inner Leadership Journey: Mentors On The Margins, which is based on the concepts of power described in Janet’s book.

I could tell before I even went the first day of this session, that my spirit was agitated, about what I didn’t know.  After presenting the concept behind this program, I asked the group for input on how to price it.  I mentioned that Janet Hagberg had been suggesting that we not have a listed price, and simply ask people to pay what they thought it was worth at the end. I was intrigued with the idea and yet frightened by it at the same time. Talk about giving up total control and trusting!!

As I explained her suggestion, I found myself saying, “I know this is craziness. I know where this leads” and I dramatically gestured with a downward movement. One of the attendees that day challenged me on that point of view. She said that she felt drawn to invest in what we were doing, but not if I went into it with an attitude of scarcity. I could feel my internal resistance to this line of thinking. I have heard this from others before. It is my nature to hear things like that as critcism and that I have “done things wrong.” I always want to say, “But, you haven’t lived my life experience - all the financial struggles that have ensued when I have followed my heart.” It feels like a discounting of my life experience.

As I reflected back on the conversation later that day, I realized that I was more upset than I had realized about someting that had happened before this gathering. A foundation that had funded City House at a significant level for 2 years had decided to stop funding us because of our new direction, which includes the offering of this new Mentor On The Margins program. No wonder this interaction at the network bothered me so much.

I had assumed that I would not be going back for the second day of the gathering. But that night, I slept restlessly.  I faded in and out of consciousness.  I was aware all night long of coming to the realization that I was no longer doing fund raising for City House in a way that had integrity for me - nothing unethical, but just a realization that I could no longer bring myself to ask people for money in the way that I had. I knew when I woke up that morning, that I needed and wanted to go back to the gathering. And, I knew that I wanted to ask the group to help me think through a different way to raise money for City House - one that operated at higher levels of power as described in Janet’s book and had more authenticity for me.

The group was very helpful that day.  Some of the comments that I heard:

• Receive the things you need and out of your sufficiency you can be generous with others
• Could I be so bold as to actually stop asking people for money?
• Could I be so bold as to publicly put out my monologues - “I don’t want to ask you for money anymore, and you’re tired of having me ask.”
• “What if I let this be as easy as it wants to be?”
• “I’m no longer comfortable promoting. But, I am comfortable letting the world see the real me.”
• “Attraction, not promotion. Just invite people to participate.”
• Sacrificial living and giving from the heart - “Pay It Forward” - give beyond what you can afford, so faith and trust are connected. This concept is based on the movie “Pay It Forward”

Pay It Forward Movie 

Fast forward to this week. We had a design team planning session for Mentor On The Margins. Janet Hagberg is part of that design team. And she said, “In my prayer time this morning, God gave me the idea that we ought to provide this program with a ‘Pay It Forward’ concept. That is, instead of mass marketing, let’s invite select individuals to invite a mainstream leader they care about to take this program, and offer to sponsor and pay for that individual.  In other words, “Pay It Forward.” 

Within minutes, two people in the design team jumped in and said, “I will be one of those ‘Pay It Forward’ people.” One of them said she was going to forgo half of her season tickets to the Minnesota Twin’s games in order to sponsor someone.  I sat in awe and wonder at what was unfolding in front of me.  God was truly at work here and showing me what it means to give sacrificially.

What came to me in prayer yesterday was that God has already been showing me this principle for quite some time. I just hadn’t noticed. Jim Dodge followed a “Pay It Forward” concept when he founded City House. He accumulated assets for a ministry that he thought was going to be one thing, and has turned out to be something totally different.  He invited me to lead City House and generously released those assets to pay my salary, not knowing where all this was going.  He released it to my leadership, forgoing his power to control it and have it unfold the way he might have preferred.  I and City House were the beneficiaries of his sacrificial giving. Pretty amazing stuff.

And finally, God helped me to see that I have been personally drawn into ”Paying It Forward”.  On February 1, I went to half time because of funding challenges. Although I have been looking for other half time work, I find I have little interest in anything other than City House.  It is clear that God continues to ignite my passion for this mission - to the point that I have been working full time for half time pay these past 3 months - and not feeling cheated.

As Janet Hagberg likes to say, “Don’t you just love God’s sense of humor?”

I really yearn for the kind of leader that David Brooks defines in his most recent column in the New York Times.  Of Abraham Lincoln, he said “He came to terms with his weaknesses, control his passions and achieve what we now call maturity…In Lincoln’s day, to achieve maturity was to succeed in the conquest of the self…The young Lincoln had been encouraged by the culture around him to identify his own flaws…He knew he was ferociously ambitious and blessed with superior talents — the sort of person who could easily turn into a dictator or monster.”

New York Times David Brooks

“This concept of maturity as self-conquest didn’t survive long into the 20th century…Self-discovery replaced self-mastery as the primary path to maturity, and we got a thousand novels and memoirs about young peoples’ search for identity…In the last few years, we may be shifting toward another vision of maturity, one that is impatient with boomer narcissism. Young people today put service at the center of young adulthood. A child is served, but maturity means serving others.”

“And yet, though we’re never going back to the 19th-century, sin-centric character-building model, for breeding leaders, it has its uses. Over the past decades, we’ve seen president after president confident of his own talents but then undone by underappreciated flaws. It’s as if they get elected for their virtues and then get defined in office by the vices — Clinton’s narcissism, Bush’s intellectual insecurity — they’ve never really faced.”

“It would be nice to have a president who had gone to school on his own failings. It would be comforting to see a president who’d looked into the abyss, or suffered some sort of ordeal that put him on a first-name basis with his own gravest weaknesses, and who had found ways to combat them.”

I couldn’t agree more with this point of view. Janet Hagberg, in her book Real Power talks about going “through the wall”, as a stage in leadership development - when a leader confronts his or her own shadows. (Read “George Bush” who seems incapable of introspection)

Parker Palmer, in his book, Let Your Life Speak, describes 5 shadows often encountered in leadership:

1. Insecurity about identity or worth.

2. The belief that the universe is a battleground, hostile to human interests.

3. The belief that ultimate responsibility for everything rests with me.

4. Fear of the natural chaos of life.

5. The denial of death itself (seen most often in the fact that all things must die in due course). This underlies so much of our fear of failure.  (Read, “Hillary Clinton” in her refusal to concede the race to Barak Obama when he had won the majority of the delegates)

Again in Real Power, Janet Hagberg defines 13 practices that develops one’s capacity for leadership from one’s spirit - beyond ego. One of the ways is to find a mentor on the margins of society. “Then you can look at your own homelessness, your own inner prisons, and your own addictions in a new and more compassionate way.”  Then one can lead from a place of wholeness that has integrated both shadow and light. This has certainly been my experience.

This is the premise of a new leadership program City House is developing - to connect mainstream leaders with a mentor on the margins of society - to deepen her / his capacity to lead from a spiritual center.

Someone was wondering recently if we had written any articles for publication in Presence, the magazine for Spiritual Director’s International. I realized that we had not yet posted that article on this blog for people to read.  So, here it is. I hope you enjoy it and that it is helpful.

Listening For Spirit On The Margins Presence Article 

Jim Dodge, City House’s Founder

These are excerpts from a sermon delivered by Jim Dodge, City House’s founder.

A few months ago I received an email from a clergy colleague asking if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I replied back that no, I will still living in the darkness with no light at the end in sight.

My friend had heard that I had been dealing for a long time with a pressure related wound that just would not heal.  And even as I come before you today a part of that wound is still not healed after almost two years since it first started. 

Forty years ago I was serving in the Army in Vietnam.  Like many others I was exposed to the chemical called Agent Orange.  A few years after that exposure I was diagnosed with cancer, the treatment for which caused nerve damage, which then weakened the muscles in my legs.  That weakness became so significant over time that I have had to rely exclusively on a wheelchair for my mobility. 

One of the consequences of continual sitting is that one is prone to develop pressure wounds.  Without adequate feeling for a warning, these things happen.  As much as one tries to be careful with shifting weight and checking skin color, pressure ulcers occur and that’s just the way life is for those who use wheel chairs. 

The one that I am currently dealing with is in the sacrum area of my body, just above the tailbone.  After the surgeon finished the initial operation of removing the unhealthy tissue, I had an opening about 6 inches long, 4 inches wide and 1 inch deep.  I was absolutely devastated and sank into a darkness that shut down my life.  I was told that I had to lie in bed on my stomach or side.  I had to be in positions where no pressure was put on the wound.  My whole life came to a screeching halt as I found myself homebound with all my plans and activities cancelled. 

At first I was in denial about the extensiveness of this whole thing.  Give me a couple of months, I told myself, and I’ll be OK.  But healing didn’t happen by the timelines I set for myself. I would spiral down even more and often found myself in a deep abyss weeping uncontrollably. 

In the course of all of this I found myself arguing with God.  I would demand some action.  Do something.  Fix this.  You who raised Christ from the dead could certainly heal a wound.  I would remind God that people were praying for me.  Do you hear them, God?  Are you deaf? 

On and on this one-sided conversation would go.  When I finally calmed down enough to listen, I heard a quiet voice within me say, “Trust me, Jim.”   “Well, God”, I said, “ if that is indeed you speaking to me, could you give me some more details, like how long this will be, and could I see some evidence of some healing.”  All I heard back was “trust me”. 

Meanwhile the wound was not healing.  I needed more surgery.  The great medical device called a wound VAC was not closing it like everyone thought it would. I went through 40 treatments at the hyperbaric chamber hoping to get a better blood supply to the wound.  I changed doctors.  A skin graft was done.  Days became weeks that became months.  Will this ever end?  My faith and trust in God seemed strong one day and weak the next.  I was on an emotional roller coaster.  As much as I wanted to stay the course trusting God, I often found myself in the darkness. 

And so I continued to wait in the darkness believing that hope does not hurry and that the deepest truths are revealed in waiting.  Each day I would seek to surrender more and more to the grace and love of God.

I wanted to believe that everything has the potential of calling forth in us a deeper response to our life in God.

I tried to see each day as a gift and enjoy that day and not get caught up thinking about that future day when all would be well.   An unlikely friend helped me see that.  My friend’s name is Elwood.  He grew up in the projects of Chicago.  His whole family was drug addicts.  He came to Minneapolis, but continued drinking and using, engaged in criminal activity and was jailed. He was living in the darkness of addiction and crime.  After being released from prison he stumbled drunk into the Salvation Army in downtown Minneapolis.  There, when his life was at the bottom, he surrendered everything to God.  He started going to AA, got a minimum wage job and was determined that he was not going to slip back to his old life.  

I met him at his job site where I led a spirituality group.  He came week after week holding on to the hope that God would somehow take care of him.  He’s been sober 6 years now and proudly wears his medallion around his neck.  I meet with him periodically and see a man who is still living on the edge financially and whose life is still pretty fragile, but is always positive.  “How do you do it, Elwood?” I ask.  “I just trust God, Jim,” he replies.  And I’m humbled that this high school drop out living in poverty seems to have a deeper faith than this seminary trained pastor living a comfortable middle class life.

Elwood Williams’ Story

Over time my wound started healing bit by bit.  The doctor gave me permission to be up more and more.   The darkness had lifted a bit, but the cloud of uncertainty of when this will finally be over is still there.  

I’m coming to believe that no matter what my physical state might be, on the inside, within the depths of my soul, God is at work renewing me.  I’m coming to believe that I, like the Apostle Paul, am one of those who is weak, who is poor in spirit, aware of my own emptiness.  And, in admitting such a state of my life, I allow God to fill me with His love and grace and then paradoxically become one of the strong ones.  Paul, dealing with his own thorn in the flesh, realized that God’s grace was indeed sufficient for him.  And in his weakness became strong.   

 We held our annual City House celebration for all of our constituents on Thursday night.  It was an opportunity to celebrate what our City House community has done together this past year and what God is doing through us - with our volunteers, program participants, social service agency partners, “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program learners and participants, board members, donors, and friends.

We started out by remembering that our theme for last year’s celebration was “The Most Dangerous Prayer Of All? Yes” based on a poem, “Dangerous Prayers”, by Regina Sara Ryan. The essence of the poem invites us to live dangerously by inviting God to do whatever it is that God wants to do in our lives. It was a year ago, that we acknowledged at City House our need for a year of discernment - a year in which we prayed and listened openly and honestly about where God would have us go.

As a consequence, we ended up saying “yes” to some significant commitments that have taken us in new directions. City House test piloted an outcomes measurement system with the support of the Otto Bremer Foundation, that will now allow us to observe what God is up to in our core volunteer program of providing spiritual companionship for and with the poor.

We conducted our first inner city pilgrimmage in partnership with Christos Center for Spiritual Formation. That retreat opened our eyes to the possiblity of a mission expansion - that we had as much to offer the mainstream world as we did the persons who find themselves on the margins of society. It led us to moving from a mission of “tending to the spiritual lives of the poor, inspring hope” to a mission of  ”connecting the mainstream and margins for mutual spiritual growth and transformation.”

That shift in mission in turn led us to the development of the “Will You Drink From This Cup?” pilot program, just completed - where mainstream learners entered into relationships with “friends” on the margins of society so that both parties might grow spiritually.

We followed this celebration of the year in review in which we said “yes”, by reflecting on our shared poverty of spirit, whether mainstream or societally marginalized. We read and reflected on the Macrina Wiederkehr poem, “Blessed are the Poor in Spirit”, as a way to best express that sentiment. Marcina Wiederkehr web site

Small groups then reflected on and shared personal stories around the following questions:

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you were full of a false idea(s), and then came to discover the truth. What happened?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you felt small, powerless, and needy. How, if at all, did that time open your heart?  How, if at all, did it become a time of blessing?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you were forced to let go of your plans and your timing and had to wait on God.  What happened?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you finally realized that you needed to rely on God and you felt good about it.  What happened?

“Will You Drink This Cup?” program learner, Angelie Ryah- Dahn then shared her story about her friendship with a woman from Central Avenue Apartments.  Then, one of the participants from Reentry Metro, VJ, shared her story about being a friend to one of the program learners. She was unable to be present for the celebration, and so, her thoughts were read to us from something she had written up.

“I was very grateful to be accepted as I am.  The caring spirit and kindful heart of her friendship to understand me was a blessing. What was a touching experience was when we both connected and were able to grow with each other.  During our meetings in small steps we supported each other in healing through our brokenness.”

“Everytime you shed a tear, you are healing your own soul.  In every tear drop, there is a rainbow, whch is a promise from God.  I am committed to share my life with anyone who wants to talk about it.  The bad and good.  I do this in honor and memory of my brother Jr. Thank you City House!! (Thank you VJ!!!)”

Finally, we asked program participants to come forward and personally bless each of our volunteer spiritual companions for their gift of listening on the margins of society. Jim Dodge, our founder, closed with prayer. Once again, the sense of community among this diverse group of people was palpable. I am grateful to be a part of it. 

I had the opportunity to go on a street retreat led by The Faithful Fools, here in the Twin Cities’ Phillip’s Neighborhood.  Faithful Fools web site     Phillip’s Neighborhood web site

It was my delight to encounter one of our City House volunteer spiritual companions, Jymie Anderson, on that retreat. Here were her observations on the day.  Thanks Jymie for your faithfulness!!

Faithful Fools Street Retreat on May 7^th

What holds us separate?

What keeps us separated? As we walk the streets…

What still connects us?

This was the mantra we took with us as we began our Faithful Fools street retreat on a Wednesday in May. For 5 hours, a dozen of us spread out through the Phillip’s Neighborhood and downtown Minneapolis where the homeless walk and eat and spend their time. It was warm and sunny. I began my walk north on Chicago Avenue observing my surroundings – shops I thought I might enter on my way back, works of art: 4 mosaic benches, a peace sculpture of Phoenix Rising created from melted down handguns and an Hispanic family. I handed my bus transfer to a young Hispanic-looking woman with two young children and walked into Branch III, a Catholic Charities service center for the homeless and poor. I was greeted and welcomed by Sonny, an African-American 60 year old, and introduced to Agnes, a Native American woman, and Victor. All had places they were living. Agnes and Sonny have cats. Agnes has children. Lunch was tasty beef and barley soup, a grilled sandwich, raw carrots, and a fresh fruit medley. After Sonny and Agnes left, Victor and I began to converse, a conversation that lasted for three hours as we visited House of Charity, another clean, colorful and friendly soup kitchen, sat on a bench in Elliot Park, wandered to Peace House on Franklin Avenue, then back to the mosaic benches and finally to Our Savior’s Lutheran Church. We shook hands, gave each other a hug and I watched as Victor walked north on Chicago, just as I had done five hours earlier.

But now I had pieces of Victor’s life story. Victor, a Moroccan Jew, who moved as a child to Israel, and as an adult to Minneapolis.

When a friend asked for a metaphor, I didn’t have one yet. She asked for a color. I said, “Yellow.” I walked into my spiritual director’s room on Friday. There were several large yellow tulips with orange interior flames – prairie tulips. There was my metaphor. The day on the streets was like a large flung open yellow tulip, showing its delicate interior surrounded with flames of orange. The six petals, a six-pointed star, with charcoal arrows on three of them pointing away from its center. A Star of David containing the Trinity. The yellow of light and energy, penetrated with flames of orange, creativity and joy-filled.

Come walk the streets with me, come walk the streets with me,

Come walk the streets with me, that I might know your mind.

And I’ll bring you hope when hope is hard to find,

And I’ll bring a song of love and a rose in the wintertime.

Jymie

Viterbo University, a Catholic University in LaCrosse Wisconsin, with Franciscan roots, has a masters degree in Servant Leadership.  They have formed a cohort group that has been meeting in the Twin Cities.

Viterbo Univ Servant Leadership 

The pictures at the heading of this post are from a class yesterday, in which the Servant Leadership program course on prophetic leadership invited Faithful Fools and City House to present.  The Faithful Fools is a charitable and educational organization created in 1998 to be present with and to address the existence of poverty in the midst of material wealth. They do ministry in the Tenderloin District in San Francisco.  They are in the Twin Cities this week to conduct street retreats and put on some plays about the homeless. Faithful Fools web site

You will notice that people in the pictures are wearing funny court jester hats.  The Faithful Fools see themselves as playing the role of court jester in society.  Thus the hats.

It was an engaging two hours.  The Faithful Fools were articulate and passionate.  As a community, The Faithful Fools are very relational, organic, and trusting that God will bring them whatever they need.  They move in new directions based on who shows up to be a part of them, and they commit to meeting each others’ needs - and somehow that is always enough, even as they live among the poorest of the poor.  They are definite examples of prophetic leaders - so effective in telling the stories that make up their collective story.

The Viterbo University faculty and learners were very attentive, curious, and open. They were so hospitable. They asked about overcoming the fear of walking with the poor and what impact the work of the Faithful Fools has on both persons on the margins and on those taking street retreats. This is the only Servant Leadership masters degree anywhere in the country. I was struck by the vibrancy of their vision.

I talked about the challenges of following one’s call and the financial cost it can often entail.  I divulged that God has been making it clear in my prayer time lately that my path to an abundant life comes through impermenance and insecurity.  Both the Faithful Fools and Viterbo University’s Servant Leadership program understand what I mean by that and the countercultural nature of that commitment.

We held our last session of the “Will You Drink From This Cup?”  pilot program this past week. For those of you that don’t know the history, it is a 12 week spiritual enrichment program for mainstream learners.  It is for those who want to deepen their relationship with God, with the poor, and in a supportive environment of fellow learners.  The expectation is that learners be in at least one relationship with someone who finds themselves on the margins of society, and to pray for a half hour a day, with reflection on selected saints and writers.

During this last session, each person commented on the following question: What about this program surprised you, delighted you, disappointed you, changed you, challenged you?  Here were some of the responses:

“Our own brokenness is our door to the world.”

“I was surprised by how experiential tihs program was.”

“I liked being with people that also look for other things to make their lives richer.”

“I appreciated the intentionality of the group and doing it together.”

“I also learned from the things that did not go smoothly and where there were difficulties.”

“When I was visiting with my friend on the margins, I felt this enormous rush of love that melded me to her. I didn’t ask for it, it was a gift.”

“Now, as I drive by someone begging on the corner, I know that they have a very rich story.”

“Now when I walk down the street in an area that would have scared me before, I want instead to know the story of the people around me. I have less fear now and more curiosity.”

“I let go of another layer of fear in my life.”

“We care about the poor, but we don’t know them.”

“The poor have great hearts.  When we take away their circumstances, they are no different than any of us.”

For me, this experience finally created a sense of community at City House that I have craved for the last 6 years. What a blessing it has been. I am grateful.

Our topic at our last “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program was pain and suffering. Our guest presenters were Trindad and Terry Shaughnessy. Terry is a City House spiritual companion volunteer and has developed a long term relationship with Trinidad, an immigrant from the Caribbean island of Trinidad, that found himself homeless in the streets of St Paul.  (See City House newsletter article written by Terry, “Reflections on a day with homelessness” about his day on the streets of St Paul with Trinidad.) 

Reflections on a day

The use of childern as soldiers is a human rights violation in various parts of the world. Apparently, that is also true in the history of the nation of Trinidad.

trinidad-child-soldiers

Trinidad (the person presenting at our session) talked about becoming a soldier at age 12.  His parents were murdered when he was 17. For his entire adult life, he has had flashbacks of his earlier life as a child soldier.  At one point, the flashbacks were so severe that he could not sleep for 30 days.  Eventually, the father of a friend brought him to the United States.

He wound up sleeping on the floor of the Dorothy Day homeless shelter in St Paul for 7 months.  “I would sleep for only 2 hours a night, while I was there. I would get up and clean up the park and the streets as a way to deal with my anger and pain about where I was in life.”

“When I was young, hatred kept me alive, but not now.  Now I am a soldier of kindness, happiness, and humor.  I am a survivor. I learned that I could survive any situation.”  Today, Trinidad is known on the streets of St Paul as an ambassador that people trust.  His trademark is humor and he likes to use it to defuse even the most difficult situations and the meanest people he encounters.  ”You dropped something mam,” he says to one of the learners in our class, as he points at the floor. As the woman looks down he says, ”your smile.”  I’ve heard him use this one so often, it has lost its charm on me.  But, it seems to work on this woman.

Terry, our City House volunteer, talked about what he has learned from Trinidad.  Trinidad has taught him about the importance of the use of humor and how to put people at ease. When asked by a learner about the biggest obstacle he had to overcome in his relationship with Trinidad, he says, “fear.”

Terry and Trinidad make it clear to each other in front us that they have a deep appreciation and even love for each other. They both acknowledged the size of the other’s heart.

What a blessed evening.

At our City House education session last week, Janice Andersen, the Director of Christian Life at the Basilica of St. Mary’s in Minneapolis was our speaker.  One of her responsibilities is leading the St Vincent DePaul program that serves the poor. It is in that context that City House partners and provides volunteer spiritual companionship for persons who find themselves poor. We asked Janice to tell her own story about how she came to work with the poor and how her own spirituality had been shaped by that work.

Basilica St Mary’s Minneapolis

Janice was articulate, passionate, and vulnerable. She acknowledged, to my surprise, that she herself is someone who is in chemical dependency recovery.  “I could just as easily be one of those persons we serve here at the Basilica in our drop in homeless shelter,” she explained.  “My connection to the poor grounds me and reminds me of the vulnerability and hope of life. They remind me that the more I can accept myself the more I can accept others. They teach me that my tendency towards independence is a defeat and a loss - that my independence leads me to pride.” 

I have always known Janice to be a person of spiritual depth and so passionate about her work. At the end of her presentation, I felt more human, and inspired by her sense of purpose. Thank you Janice for who you are and for all that you do.